And that's beautiful.
I feel myself changing. Questioning. Discovering. Coming into my own. Walking the line between child and adult. The only issue is that it's slow. IT'S SO PAINFULLY SLOW. And from what I hear, this is only the beginning. I hate the phrase "finding yourself". It's so grossly cliche and indirect. But as annoying as it is, that seems to be where I'm at. It felt as if it came all at once. As if the questions and the self-discovery and internal push and pull of entering my "twenties" slammed over me like a ton of bricks. I feel out of order, to be quite frank. And I feel uncomfortable. I feel too young to be where I am, but look around and realize that I'm not. Other people my age are graduating college, getting married, finding themselves at the ever-illusive "real jobs" they were always questioned about in 3rd grade. There are times that I wish I could revert back to the state of mind I was in when I was younger. But no, I don't truly want that. {Oh how the memories of foolishly embarrassing things I did in High School make me CRINGE} I simply wish that I could go back to the way I felt when it was entirely easy to just... be. I knew my purpose; school. I felt comfortable in my skin; braces and all. I was crazy, boisterous, even obnoxious at times. This THING, self-discovery, finding yourself, whatever you wanna call it, has made me want to pull inward. I crave observance. I crave quiet, anonymous living. I want to go camp away in a water-front cave, watching the ocean slam the rocks around me and let the simultaneous silence and roar somehow work out the very confusion I feel in the deepest part of my soul. And I only want to come out when I've figured out exactly who I am meant to be, down to the deliberately chosen color of the very smallest spot on my silly butterfly wings. But that's not how God works, is it?
With as much push and pull as I've felt on the inside, equally matched are my feelings of happiness in this life that God has blessed me with. And I like to focus on that, here, with you all. But sometimes I've got to just be honest. Sometimes life is scary, the unknown is looming, and a few good tears need to find their way out. What do you say when that happens? As hard as it is to find the right words, passing it by doesn't seem fair to this time in my life. If there's documentation of anything, shouldn't it be a documentation of discovery? I mean, if anything, shouldn't I focus on the transition from dependent to independent; isn't that a phase that everyone goes through? I know I'm not the only one who experiences the daily banter back and forth between deciding how to handle issues. There will always be some that are still okay to run and sit on daddy's lap about. And then there are those that I need to go search through that pile of dirty laundry, find that pair of big-girl pants I wore that one time, and put them on until the job gets done. I guess lucky for me, I'll never be too old to go sit on my Heavenly Father's lap; but more on that later.
I want this next year to feel different. I'm becoming vastly aware that it is going to end very different then it begins. In fact, I think these next few years are all going to be that way. Maybe the rest of my life will. Every year starting and ending entirely different with new experiences under my belt and new opportunities that lie ahead. I'm excited. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. You see, some people just live, and to me, that's beautiful. But then there are those of us who are introspective to a fault. I think and observe and question and wonder so much that there are days I forget to even open my mouth, to share all that's going on inside. There are days that I just sort of, drift through. And while that may not necessarily be a bad thing, it can get lonely. Sometime you need to be loud, and say what you're thinking even if it IS socially inappropriate. Sometimes you need to revert back to that innocent shamelessness of youth when you were all about expressing yourself, without worrying so much about how it was coming across. Maybe I'm a wimp to admit that the emotional-stretching I'm undergoing scares me half to death, but I do like the challenge. I like how I feel when I am at peace... when I listen to God and follow by faith. I want to see how He molds and transitions me through this life because the Lord knows (literally) that I'd fail miserably on my own.
So as to not leave this on a moderately depressing note, it's only right to divulge deeper into the peace that I know and love. You see, the problem is that I, along with everyone else, sometimes forgets that peace in the midst of life. Does the name Peter ring a bell to anyone? It's hard, okay. But you know what's beautiful? In the midst of Peters sudden lack of faith, what did Jesus do? He reached out His very own hand... and saved him. That brings me to tears every time I think about it. We have a Savior who is so personable that He will reach out his very own self in order to keep us from drowning. Is it hard to let yourself go entirely? Yes times infinity. Worth it? By all means. Hard none-the-less? Definitely. But I'm working on it. And I think that's where my excitement comes from. I know that after all is said and done in this life, I will have survived through all of the changes and stretching and trials. I have a Lord who loves me, protects me, and desires for me to know the peace and joy that come only from Him. It's pretty easy for any of us to pretend like we don't struggle. "I'm a Christian, so now I smile when people yell at me on the phone because this world isn't my home." Yeah okay that's a lot easier said than done, people. Life is still hard. Maybe even harder considering I know that this isn't my final pit-stop so to speak. But my goodness am I grateful. The pain is hard, the struggles are good, change is necessary, and the Lord works all things together for the good of those who love Him. So on that note, maybe this year will be the year for writing the things I don't know how to write. For being more open and authentic. For getting comfortable in the uncomfortable.
Because that's what I think this world is desperate for. Honesty.
And for You, I am willing to be an honest mess.
Because I truly am, an honest mess.
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